I saw Kate last week.
I can't recall specifically the day, but I was at my brother's and she sent me a text... Well, let me first give a little prelude. I emailed her about a month ago. It was our first communication in roughly 6 months. I felt compelled to apologize to her, to clear my conscience as it were. For something like 5 years now, we have been entangled in this rather vicious cycle of on-again/off-again, and it'd been driving me mad. The first 2.5, we were actually together - living together, coupled, through thick and thin, very together... Then at some point after her stint in rehab, despite the fact that I had forgiven all and stuck by her side in spite of all the lies, pain, and crippling heartache, she told me that I was one of her "problems in life". So, I did myself a favor and tried to go about my way. Yet, every few months after, one or the other of us would reach out and we would ultimately come back together again only to fall to pieces after just a month or so. We've been doing this song and dance for nearly 3 years now.
The last time we spoke was just after my birthday. I was hurt for the last time at her thoughtlessness, because she did not attend my birthday dinner even though I had nearly begged her to be a part of my "Golden Birthday" (27 on the 27th). Well, at some point in the days after, I decided to really end things, and tell her of her every terrible quality... How in all my life I'd never met somebody so oblivious and cold, how she was so thoughtless and selfish, how she was never there for me ESPECIALLY in times of real need (i.e. - the deaths of Courtney then Grandpa Leo within the same year... she was utterly M.I.A.). And my parting deathblow? I told her I regretted ever meeting her, and if I could, I would take our entire experience together back. In my mind, this was devastating to her. And at the time, I was glad for it.
Well, as time passed, and months went on and nostalgia grew... I decided to email her. Now to be clear, I WAS NOT seeking anything in doing this other than to clear my own conscience. I needed to apologize for being so brutally frank with her, because in reality, despite all the pain and misery and everything else - I loved her. I really loved her, and she will forever be a part of me. And, like any relationship, it wasn't exactly ALL bad. So, I wrote her an apology for my brutish behavior and beastly words, because while there was certainly some truth in them, I did not entirely mean them. Or, to be more accurate, I did not mean to be as deliberately hurtful as I was. When I am crossed, I am a master at saying just the right words to crush somebody. I knew what I was doing. But I knew in my heart I didn't actually mean it.
So, I wrote the apology and went about my business. I felt more free, more comfortable, truly let go of the entire situation and ready to move on; clean slate. I had said my peace, and that was all I needed. I noted in said apology that I was not expecting any reply, and I meant that. Well, low and behold - she DID reply. And not only did she reply, but she poured out the most incredible words in great length and actuality absolved me of any blame. For the first time in my knowing her, she actually acknowledged the ways her behavior had taken it's toll on me and had forced me to my breaking point. I was stunned. She's been (relatively) clean and sober, apart from a few cocktails or pot, for about 2 years now, and I appreciated her clarity. I should have been strong enough to accept it with a grain of salt, however... I got sucked right back in again. We begin emailing each other here and there.
So, about a week ago, I was at my brothers. Out of the blue I get a text from a number I do not recognize. It was Kate. After a couple trivial exchanges, she asked if I would like to stop by since I was in the neighborhood. I agreed that it might be nice and I went over. At first, we were both very tense and very nervous. I had come with my guard up, walls around my emotions. Through the course of events, as we sat on the couch watching a movie, I noticed something very odd. She had made it a point to sit as absolutely close as possible to me, leaning against me, her legs crossed and touching mine. This may not seem like a big deal, but I was quite aware of the body language. At some point a number of hours later, we ended up on her balcony smoking cigarettes. It was very cold out, and I had taken a blanket, wrapped around my shoulders. She asked if she could stand with me, inside the blanket. Of course I wasn't going to say no because I'm at her house, using her blanket. So we're standing there, embraced with this blanket around us when the inevitable happens - we kiss.
Not just a kiss, but the kind that is complete and utter fireworks, pure lust, and unbridled passion. It was intense, and it definitely broke the ice. We made out madly for what must have been over 30 minutes, and I could feel that she was being seduced by it. She wanted it. We went back inside, I layed her on the couch, and we continued making-out. I felt her up while our lips and tongues were wildly dancing together. I pulled off her top, she pulled off my shirt, and we very nearly had sex that night, but did not due to a mutual tiredness. It was very late at this point and she had to work the next day. She asked if I wanted to spend the night, and I agreed. We went to bed, naked and holding each other and slept until the morning when we both went about our way. It was a lovely evening, with the most unexpected turn of events.
At some point in following days in one of our text/email exchanges, she had asked me if I would accompany her to a company Halloween party, to which I accepted. So the week goes by, and on Saturday night we go to her bosses party. Everything was wonderful. We both were in great spirits, and we interacted with everyone as very much the couple. Lots of touch, holding hands, stealing kisses here and there... it was great. We got back to her house around 2am by taxi, and by that point the sexual tension had mounted to such a point that there was simply no way I wasn't going to have her that night.
Quite literally as soon as we'd got through the door she pushed me onto her computer stool, played her "Sexytime" playlist from her computer, and began dancing and stripping for me. I was immediately aroused, and after some minutes of her undressing and dancing, she began to undress me. When she got my pants off, I was sitting there naked and rock hard. She continued to dance a little more, teasing me, and had gotten down to her knees in front of me, kissing my thighs and stomach while my cock brushed against her cheek, across her lips. Then she began kissing my cock, with little soft caressing licks along my shaft. She held my massive erection in her hand and started to twirl her tongue around my head, and gently sucking just the tip with her lips. Then suddenly, she plunged down with her mouth as far as she could go. It was so warm and wet, and felt utterly amazing. I could feel myself against the back of her throat while she simultaneously sucked and massaged my shaft with her tongue. She always gave incredible head. A few minutes later, she then got up, straddled over me on the stool, and then slowly sat on me, feeling and relishing inch by inch slipping inside her. She rode me on the stool for quite a few minutes, grinding on me while my raging dick was completely side of her. We were kissing furiously and my hands were all over her naked body - grabbing her ass, squeezing and intermittently sucking on her tits. She was grinding, and gyrating, and bouncing on my dick so good.
Then, I stood up holding her against me and still inside her, kicked the stool out of the way, and slammed her against the wall and began fucking her deep and hard while she was suspended and propped against the wall, her legs wrapped tightly around me. She was moaning and kissing my neck and clawing my back as I thrust into her, each stroke eliciting a heavier and breathier moan. After about 5 minutes she said, "I want you to take me from behind". So I set her down from the wall, and she dropped down on all fours in the doorway of her bedroom. Without skipping a beat, I was back inside of her, her pussy was so wet and so hot. I was hitting it deep, and was mesmerized by the rhythmic bouncing of her perfect ass against my pelvis. Then, while still behind her, I slowly worked my entire dick into her pussy, and pushed on her back so that she would lay down flat. From this position, her ass got more bounce and I was loving it. I leaned over her, wrapped my arms at her side and across her chest, laid against her belly to back, and kissed her more while fucking her from behind. Some time had passed before I pulled out, flipped her over, and we continued Missionary with her legs wrapped tightly around my torso. At some point in this position I said something funny, and when she laughed I could feel her tight little pussy squeezing me. I had one hand on her throat and she was licking and sucking on my fingertips, and with the other worked down her body to feel her ass. When I grabbed her ass cheek, I could feel that she was literally dripping wet.
This went on for some time, and after about 40 minutes of sheer passionate and exhilarating fucking, she began to get sore and told me so. She asked if I was close to cumming, and I said almost (even though I wasn't). I slowed down, and tried not to go so deep, but I could plainly see she was beginning to wince at each stroke. So I pulled out, she apologized that she couldn't really continue because, in her words, I "beat it up so good", and told me that I could cum anywhere I wanted - i.e. her mouth/down her throat. So I straddled over her while she laid down, and started to jerk-off over her, sometimes pointing my dick downward so she could suck the tip. When she wasn't sucking me, she would be caressing her body, squeezing her tits together, licking and sucking on her fingers all in an effort to make me cum. Well, it didn't happen. For whatever the reasons, I just could not cum.
I had been so captivated by the amazing sex we had just had, something in my mind had felt cheapened by the fact that I had exhausted her pussy and was now jerking-off and being demanded/expected to cum right then and there. I tried for about 10 minutes, and I could sense she was becoming annoyed. So then we kind of agreed that it was amazing for all that it was, I apologized that I didn't cum but told her that everything about her was incredible and amazing, and that sometimes I just love sex so much that I don't want it to end - which is absolutely true. So, we take a shower and then get into bed. At this point it is nearly 4am, so we put on a movie, and she was spooning against me and fell asleep with her head on my chest, while my arm was around her stroking her hair. All was right in the world.
The next morning (well, it was about noon), she woke up before I did and made this tremendous breakfast of eggs, bacon, and hash-browns. It was delicious and we both were in great moods. After a couple hours of being awake and now being full, I fell asleep and napped on her couch for a few more hours. It was about 5pm when I woke for the second time, and we decided that it was time to part and that I should give her a ride back to her bosses house to get her car. The ride was kind of quiet, but I didn't think much of it considering I had not been awake long and was a little groggy from my long nap. When we pulled up, she almost immediately got out of the car, and when she saw me opening my door, she said almost sarcastically, "Awww, are you gonna walk me to my car?" (since it was just the other side of a small residential street). So I get out and am trailing just behind her, thinking that we'll hug, kiss, and have a fond goodbye. Instead, she jumps right into her driver's seat, looks at me a little awkwardly, I lean over and give her a quick kiss. She seems very impatient and I joke by saying, "What, you got a hot date?" She kind of shrugged it off and said that she simply wanted to get back home and relax alone. I try not to feel slighted as she nearly peels off.
Monday and Tuesday go by with little to no contact. Again, I try not to take it personally and assume she is busy and/or having a stressful week at work. She's always craved her "alone time", so I try not to push it. Tuesday evening, I call her wondering how she's feeling and if she could possibly email me the pics from the party. She responds that she's been feeling a little under the weather. The conversation was very short, lasting maybe 7 minutes total, and a little awkward. She tells me she's jumping in the shower and we hang up. Fine, no big deal. Still trying not to let this sudden abrupt coldness get to me.
About an hour later, I check my email - she sent the pictures of us, and we look incredible together. Concurrently, I had my Facebook open on another window and decided to maybe take things a little further. I want to find/add her on Facebook. Well, I search her name - and low and behold there she is. Except her picture is of her beaming a brilliant beautiful smile... oh, and she is holding tightly onto what looks to be a large, slightly overweight, dark-skinned and somewhat attractive Mexican guy. In this moment, I feel an incredible flash of too many emotions to comprehend. Anger, jealousy, rage, rejection, fear.
I jump back to my email, and she is on gmail chat. Rather coyly, I say hello and I thank her for sending the pictures so quickly. She responds with "no problemo" and a smiley face. I then decide to throw myself out there. I ask very straight-forwardly if she is seeing anybody. She responds with, "lol. no. why do you ask?" Now, hindsight is 20/20 and at this point I should have been a little clever and said something suave like, "Oh, because I was thinking we should start seeing each other exclusively"., or something to that effect. Nope... Instead, after she says "why do you ask?", my utter honesty takes over and I tell her. "Well, I wanted to find you on Facebook, and then I see this picture of you snuggled up pretty close with some other guy." She seems unfazed by this and responds to the effect of, "lol. that picture was from last weekend. it was my co-workers birthday. i don't even know that guy! i just liked the way i look! but jeeez babe...". So, I realize and accept it as innocent enough and that this probably is the true case. However, I can sense the, "but jeeeez babe" suggests that she is annoyed with my insecurity. I don't say too much, something like, "I just didn't know, and yes you do look very beautiful." I wish her a goodnight, and sign-off.
To be honest, this really fucking hurt. Here we had a wonderful time together, had this amazing and beautiful sexual connection, then it all turned to sudden weird coldness and me getting neurotically jealous over her Facebook picture. This exchange occurred over 24 hours ago, and it has been all quiet since on the western front, as they say.
So... what the fuck? What do I do? I feel as though we've been through this too many times. I feel like the sincerity over discussing our relationship this past week and days was immense and uplifting. From my apology, to her acceptance and admission of being the cause of my deathblow outburst, to reconnecting, to the time shared, and the incredible sex coupled with extraordinarily loving conversations where we both agreed and acknowledged that we truly love each other and ultimately can't imagine a life without the other. And finally, to where I am now. Doubting, afraid, fearful, and ready again to sever ties if need be in order to preserve myself even though all I want is quite simply the opposite - wanting to be together, to make it work, to make it happen.
Why do I love and crave someone so intensely that only makes it feel apparent that she doesn't need me?
She loves me... She doesn't need me...
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